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Instead it is the familiar routine of waking to an arm around your waist, the companionable bathroom talk with mouths full of toothpaste, and the idea that someone will know if you dont make it home at night. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. They adhere to the rules that all three of us set for them, like normal children. Zakhele walks in with his youngest brother, Thembekile*, 2, in his arms. The co-wives were approached from their homes. In the long run, it is usually the second wife who is accepting of polygamy. In many societies the concept of polygamy is frowned upon because it goes against the Western idea of loving, honouring and obeying one person until death do you part. But over the years, as we get in our 30s and 40s, we mature and realize that life just happens, no matter if you plan for other things. In the Muslim world, polygamy is acknowledged because it is supported and associated with religious doctrine as well as a fair and legal way of relationship. In a previous study by the perceived advantages of polygyny included sharing house chores and child-rearing similarly in the present study most of the polygamous women were reported particularly the infertile women helped the co-wives to bring up their children as well as daily household activities. After the wedding they all moved into a bigger house with cottages at the back for the children. The study is not against polygamy but the need to improve the family structure of polygamous families is a major concern. The Advantages and Disadvantages of Polygamous Homes. In addition, the interpretive phenomenological analysis (IPA) was used to generate a wide range of perceptions and opinions that women carry out about their experiences in polygamous family structures. Not the wives of college friends, not old relatives who can't remember new names but who remember that they shelled out good money for a fancy gift the first time around, and especially not the original wife, who thinks of herself as the bona fide wife. The strength of the study is an attempt to seek the coping strategies of co-wives to deal with such relationships in the Pakistani context. Gina Barreca, Ph.D., a board of trustees distinguished professor at UConn, is the author of 10 books, including the bestselling They Used to Call Me Snow White, But I Drifted. My wife and I were happy there was absolutely nothing wrong with our marriage. I never expected to be a second wife. It doesnt mean that it wont last. It can be challenging when you expect those normally happen times of the year to be a certain way, but then they arent so much. This practice of taking on another wife while still married to the first one is called polygamy, not to be confused with origami - which is the art of folding colored papers. Published: She told that My in-laws had not good relationships with the first wife of my husband. They are sister wives, which means they have a friendship as well. Of importance is the need to disseminate the findings of studies like this one to those who are in a position to make change a reality. This is by far the most common (and the most frequently legal) form of polygamy. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? Some children may not accept a new mother or father figure, so instilling values or upholding rules with them may prove difficult. The impact of polygamy on women's mental health: A - ResearchGate Second marriages are like the mature version of you getting married again. Advantages And Disadvantages Of Polygamy - Bscholarly Concept of one soulmate for everyone is flawed anyway. The world is their oyster. Their average marriage duration was 11 years and living in the same house or compound. Women also support their men for polygamy if they are facing infertility to secure their marriage instead of divorce [4]. Following subthemes were included in these main theme categories. She said, "We both share the housework and I always take care of her children". She was the first wife of her husband and it was a happy arranged marriage. Go figure. So she said I always support my husband for equal treatment with all wives because this life is much better than the previous one." Lower incentive to cheat in a marriage. It is a very common experience that discriminative behaviour of the husbands and unequal treatment with their wives causes several mental health issues in polygamous families. The study was conducted in 2017 with approval from the institution and polygamous women. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, 2. The study was an attempt to gain perspective about the causes of polygamy, its consequences, and the most important womens ways of coping strategies in polygamous marriages. How To Deal With Being A Second Wife | Midlife Divorce Recovery Naturally, I instantly felt like I wasnt woman enough for him, Lillian says. Its a hard stigma to run away from and can lead to many second marriage challenges. Polyandry is a specific term used to describe marriages between one wife and at least two husbands. Makes sense if there is no balance between males and females in a region. Couples Therapy: Whats the Difference? The second wife will have all of these extra people in her life that she never bargained for and it can be a lonely or isolating feeling. Mrs. Gulzar said "I had no option other than to make a compromise and accept co-wife because of my female kids. Current Psychology. Miss Nadia was the 2nd wife of Mr. Imam. The two new wives bullied my mother and called her names. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, people are far less accepting of a second wife. It was hell for my mom and me afterwards, Evelyn says. But Im his last.. The majority of Muslims have accepted official polygamy. She always imposes a fine of 5,000 Malaysian ringgit (around $1,700) and six strikes of a cane. Mrs. Kamal helped to take care of her co-wife and her new born. Mrs. Amir was the 2nd wife and also had no children her husband married her for children and his family again forced him for 3rd wife by giving the reference of the religious doctrine. Shes a nurse, not one of those rude ones, and she was kind and very helpful. Polygamy is often confused with polyamory and bigamy. 4. She also said, "'my children and 1 should get a fair and deserving share of the marriage and properties". Table 2: Frequency of co-wives for jealousy, unhappiness, loneliness and sharing household chores as consequences of polygamous marriages (N=11). The study was conducted in 2017 with approval from the institution and polygamous women. disadvantages of being a second wife islam A married couple that stays together can rack up plenty of debt, but what about a marriage that ends? In part, this is due to the fact that there is still a contingent for which a marriage without children is only slightly more honorable than a series of one-night stands. I would also like to add that polygamy is not a staple in Islamic culture, nor is it a tradition. Evelyn*, 32, tells DRUM her mother's experience was awful. Here are some people revealing the truth of what polygamous relationships are really like. The surprise is this: when the moment comes, the man jumps with alacrity. In this case, I would prefer to keep my marriage to make sure my children have a bright future," she . Many first marriages start with two young, giddy people, unfettered by the realities of life. Minor clashes are part of life to her. No British Muslim man has the 'right' to a second (or even third) wife In the beginning, females refused to share their partners but with time they accept it. Most women dreaming of settling down probably aren't imagining doing so with a man who is already married. Remember, in a normal setup the wives are not enemies nor are they in competition, Maphalala points out. Polygamy: As Supreme Court decides on banning it, here's how Muslim Mrs. Gulzar was another first/senior wife having three daughters. You find yourself constantly comparing yourself with his ex-wife. Her relationship with her co-wife was perceived to be sisterly. Reviewed by Lybi Ma. Theyre all equal and these two women are their mothers equally. All women were Muslims. Outcomes of polygamous marriages were a second theme generated by evaluating the relationships of co-wives. Women need to be empowered with education and positive affirmation of self-worth. What are the advantages of being a 'second' wife in Islam? As - Quora 17-Dec-2021, DOI: 10.54615/2231-7805.47221. This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the second wife syndrome. Here are some signs that you have allowed the second wife syndrome to fester in your home: Being a second wife to a married man can be overwhelming, and if you are not cautious enough, you might find yourself stuck in a loop of insecurities. Accepting polygamy does not make. Polygamy has become common practice in many communities including Pakistan. Table 3: Frequency of co-wives for religion faith, admit the fate role, and compromise as coping strategies in polygamous marriages (N=11). But that's not the case in Canada, says Imam Hamid Slimi of the Sayeda Khadija . If the person in the second marriage who was married before didnt have children, then chances are they never have to even talk to their ex again. She said, I don't think I was the one that could not have children. She said that she convinced her husband for 2nd marriage because of her illness. However later on she has also accepted co-wife because of infertility and destiny. But the . Yet even though we have gallopped past our twentieth year of marriage, I am still considered The Second One by certain of our acquaintances. A record of 26 women was collected for polygamous families through snowball sampling for the availability of co-wives. Dont be too quick to bash him, Lillian advises other women in her position. Ethnographic accounts of 69 polygynous systems and reported evidence that the majority of co-wives in a polygynous family prefer pragmatic co-operation with one another while maintaining a respectful distance however having a deep-seated feeling of angst that arises over competing for access to their mutual husband [21]. Seven women were single before marriage, while two were divorced and two were widowed. Some second wives may have unknowingly become #2 and had thought they were in monogamy, until the husband plucks up the courage to reveal they have . The real term for that arrangement is polygyny, "the practice or condition of having more than one wife at one time." Poly was defined above, and -gyny probably looks familar, from words like misogyny and gynecology: it's the Greek gyne, "woman." Opponents of decriminalization say the current law should not be changed because polygamy is inherently dangerous and harmful to women and children, particularly young girls, some of whom have. disadvantages of being a second wife islam Your wedding is your wedding and you can do whatever you want. Lower risk that people get bored in a marriage. There are many things about a divorced family that can be nontraditional, especially holidays. She said, "1st wife of my husband is working so 2nd wife of my husband and I used to manage the household chores. A qualitative methodology was adopted to explore the experiences of polygamous women. Data was collected from 11 polygamous women who consented to an in-depth interview. 3.What were the coping strategies which you used to accept the co-wives relationship? https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2012/october/32-shocking-divorce-statistics/, https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/, Living with a Spouse Who Has Aspergers Syndrome: the Cloud of Secrecy. What It's Like to Be the Second Wife While Pakistan being an Islamic state where religion allows polygamy, the more typical reasons have been observed in the current study by multiple co-wives such as infertility, a woman being a mother only by female children, love marriage, or family pressure with the reference of religious doctrine. The second wife shouldn't marry unless he promises to tell the first wife. International Journal of Social Psychiatry. Khattak AK. Her ex-husband died. A couple of years after her mother's death, Deschamps' father remarried in an LDS Temple and was sealed to his second wife. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. International Nursing Review. It found that while 70 per cent agreed that Muslim men have a right to polygamous marriages so long as they can treat all wives fairly, only 30 per cent would allow their own husband to marry . But that doesnt mean that they arent a little wounded. Constitutionally, polygamy raises important issues under the free exercise clause of the First Amendment. Miss Nadia was the second wife of Mr. Imam. Whats not typically expected is becoming a second wife. It is an option. His actions went against the traditional practice of asking for her permission and mediating until a solution is found, but legally he was within his rights. I was so impressed., READ MORE:Celeste Ntuli and Ayanda Borotho on their roles as sister-wives in Isibaya. Eva*, now 60 was married to my father for 28 years, and then one day he said he would like to add two more wives they were twins, she recalls. Bigger families imply more connections. The average duration of polygamy was about 11 years so most of the co-wives had been accepted co-wives and engaged themselves in several activities and got comfort considering it fate role, religious permission, and compromise for the sake of their children's future rather than divorce. Inmany countries all over the world, polygamy is not permitted by law and marrying multiple partners is simply not allowed. What kind of man has three wives and no job? These themes emerged in 3 main themes as Causes of polygamy, outcomes of polygamy, and coping strategies of polygamous women. Being Muslim doesn't change the biology of pain, of envy, and of sadnessthese are human emotions that are consequences of the act. In many typical cultures like India, China, and Pakistan infanticide is a very common practice despite an illegal and social evil [5-7]. Even though there can be many advantages of being a second wife, you might feel inadequate when filling the spaces left behind by the ex-wife and kids. A false rumour that men in Eritrea would be legally obliged to marry at least two women went viral this week. In times of uncertainty you need journalism you can trust. I told her that if it was going to make her unhappy I would forget about the whole idea. Data collection from the participants may have been affected by differences in age, years, and rank in marriage, educational level, and religious faiths. My husband has two wives . Between birth and death: Female infanticide in nineteenth-century China. So infertility and no male child is the main factor to permit polygamy by the wives [8]. He killed her when I was nine years old and he was arrested. The statistics are stacked against you, Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. Invest in the future today. The 58-year-old and her husband, Thamsanqa*, 65, married when Lillian was 18. So finding a man who respects women like uBaba is a blessing, The two women share the home duties between them, taking turns cooking and cleaning, and their six children help with the dishes and other household duties. Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? Maybe it was because I didnt have anyone in mind when I approached her I wasnt cheating on my wife, Id never do that.. Now the first wife has no say. These are jealousy, poor marital satisfaction, unhealthy competition, lack of trust, and many other mental health problems [12]. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. Life as a co-wife wasn't easy for Cecilia; she started being mistreated by the second wife. But it's a hoax that has hit at least four countries to date . Provide the three areas that were Islamized. Al-Krenawi A, Graham JR. A comparison of family functioning, life, and marital satisfaction, and mental health of women in polygamous and monogamous marriages. I knew my family wouldnt approve of our marriage, but I was weak. The current study provides preliminary data on women in polygamous marriages and the foundation for further research. Tandler N, Petersen LE. To find out the reasons for multiple spouses by men. Mrs. Imam was the first wife with a love marriage and she had two female children in three years. Then I learned that marriages arent like cars, independent of the people in them, to be fixed according to an owner's manual. Polygamy is a practice in which a person is married to more than one person at the same time, most commonly a man to several wives. She told, It was very shocking and tragic for me to have another female in my husband's life". Many young women might regard being a second wife better than remaining single. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry (MyCite Report). One female Mrs. Abdullah was feeding a new born baby she was 3rd wife of her husband. But Ron and I had already endured hardship . But few years passed her husband was involved with another lady and married after few years. Why is it higher the second time around? It means if your husband is a citizen or green card holder, he. Stanford University Press. disadvantages of being a second wife islam. The psychological health of women is essential to raising a sound, healthy family and should receive high priority, particularly in developing countries where resources are limited. We may also learn that if we dont want to get hurt again, to put up a wall, or other such adjustments. When men are taken out of the marriage market by war or by prison, women suffer. Relationships come and go, and thats to be expected. I didnt really get it, but my parents are big on communication in a weeks time I was on board. Thembi says she knows people often question polygamous marriages but shes adamant that sometimes the women gain a lot more than the men. Polygamy; Antecedents of Polygamy; Outcomes of Polygamy; Coping Strategies of Co-wives. The design was flexible and consent was taken for an in-depth interview. Al-Krenawi A, Slonim-Nevo V. Success and failure among polygamous families: The experience of wives, husbands, and children. It just means that being a second wife comes with a lot of challenges along the way. Therefore, in line with the objectives of this study, qualitative interviews were a superlative choice for inductive approaches aimed at generating concepts and hypotheses that have far more potential for research than any other model. Divorce can be an expensive proposition. Both were a happy couple with 2 boys and 1 baby girl. The first author analyzed the transcripts line by line, which was read repeatedly and thematically analyzed for their contents. He might marry a second wife before his divorce is complete, for example. Many people think bigamy and polygamy mean the same thing . To evaluate the outcomes of the relationship between co-wives. like grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc., may not ever see you as an actual parent of the other persons biological child. You didnt grow up thinking; I cant wait until I meet a divorced man!