So because you think something is a timewaster you get to mock people for their interests at 12. No. I take little credit for how lucky I am. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02. And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. Asking her to read a National Geographic article is hardly onerous. Anyway, a person shouldnt be forced to read something they find boring, but I think that its reasonable for the dad to try to encourage that so that she grows up knowing theres stuff outside of her pop culture interests. It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary I second this. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. What to Do If Your Child's Behavior Is Ruining Your - Lifehacker Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! Of course its going to drive her away from him. Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. I just wonder if there is an approach I have not considered. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! 6napkinburger Also, seriously, have you been on Tumblr? Unless its, you know, the lastest Madonna tour or album . He was my softball coach for most of the 10 years I played, I LOVE sports, we have gone together to countless games over the years, just him and I, I go to him with any car/computer/cooking/etc question I have, I can talk to him about anything, I have always been his little girl (Not to say Im not close with my mom, I am) and that father/daughter relationship I had with my dad growing up, I wouldnt change it for the world. I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. Respect is the bedrock of any family and you need family members to respect each other, the belongings of each other and the interests of each other. That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. Its like a circle of hell specifically for we of the ADHD. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. My father did not indulge in those with me but we had a great relationship. ! And they were kind of blas, like, Oh, we didnt? So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. I dont think the father wanting the daughter to broaden her interests is the problem, its the way he is going about it by demeaning her and her interests and trying to cram in his own interests. My comment obviously wasnt clear. Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. You can see it in the fighting. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. My mom is super-duper awesome. Cool! Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. lets_be_honest Highlight their special talents and abilities. I cant concentrate, I get bored, shit distracts me, I have to deal with the kids/dogs/etc and then people bitch Im not there to play, then I play badly as Im not paying attention.. so I try to get out of it then get all snitty reactions since Im not joining in having fun. Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. You will learn from all of them. Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. Our daughter just turned thirteen and she loves Star Trek, Dr. Who, Cat Warriors, fantasy books, theater and acting and swimming. More my daughter is a student and is not working right now, so i don't have her paying. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. WWS. July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. You couldnt easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable. I do that with everyone I know who likes baseball, which probably makes me annoying, but its what I do. Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. She is also noncompetitive. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. Why cant he ask simple questions about what is her favorite episode and why? FOR the past four months, my friend has been chasing a guy at college. Taking the Keys Away: What to Do If a Senior Won't Stop Driving - AgingCare Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. I think This Old House was all overbut only we know Miss Judy. All rights reserved. Do I wish shed made more of an effort to hang out with me sometimes and like the stuff I liked? Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. Without respect there will be no relationship. I cant believe you didnt address that. "Caught between husband and daughter" - Click If your daughter is still willingly doing these activities I dunno since most teenagers are rather bratty and self absorbed and not keen on doing things they dont enjoy Id hazard a guess she finds them more fun than you would like. Honestly, I think those first two sentences were the best point Wendy made. Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. Also, now I know how to fix stuff. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? What is this site, a Masters program? (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. Distance In Relationship With Grown Child - Focus on the Family Husband treats 15 year old step son badly. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. So, yes, encourage your daughter to take an interest what your husband likes. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. I mean, people always try to paint themselves in the best possible light and their opponent in the worst. Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? I can well grasp your husbands ongoing eye-rolling and snappish annoyance. They loved the entire concept and they loved the show. But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. Usually sharks.). Contact Us. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. A good game will bring out the competitiveness in everyone. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. I see his point to some extent. These dreams can also give you advice about what you need to do to steer your life in the direction you would like it to go. It took me a VERY long time to develop my own interests and become my own person I think youre right to encourage your daughter to be who she is and like what she likes. he wants to teach her to drive. I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. Are you on Tumblr? And he is a loyal friend. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! Why Is My Husband Driving My Daughter Away (15 Reasons) You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. It can be tough sometimes, and obviously a lot funner to be the friend than the parent. My other daughter moved out recently into a flat-share with some friends. This could be something as simple as going for a walk together after dinner or taking turns reading bedtime stories. Liquid Luck Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. He is clearly not getting the message. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. And of course. Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. My parents listened to Oldies. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! No one ever said that being a parent would be easy, and when your husband and daughter dont get along, it can be especially difficult. He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. Hes putting her down. In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? Of course they have an us against him mentality when he acts like that. I strongly agree with this. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. Neither does your husband. Ha! Or else hes doing a disservice to her. Theyll sacrifice a perfect moment of tenderness if they feel there is the possibility of a reciprocal expectation lurking behind the scenes. I really think if said in the right context, you can support both your husband and your daughter. Saying later that night will you ask the spagetti head to pass the salt IS making fun of their child and it is healthy. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. lets_be_honest A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. He needs to learn to be a bit more respectful of his daughters choices and to compromise which would be modeling good behavior for his child to learn. But hes so cute when hes excited about something. Its not rocket science. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. Im also coming from a place where I 100% agree with Wendy that her interests could also change next month or next year so its more about tone/approach/attitude than actual activities. . I think I read this differently than Wendy. Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. Mommy and daddy present a united front. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. Terms & Conditions . Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. lets_be_honest Visitation Pick Up/drop off issueEx-husband Moved 45 Minutes Away In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. July 3, 2013, 9:47 am. Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. lets_be_honest Within a year of this, my dad became abusive. She played Meribor (spelling.) Id hate it if a parent did that to me and Id hate it if my partner did that to me too. I do understand how easily this Mom couldve gotten caught up in her ways of teaming up with the kid. Last week she followed him home after classes again, even though his bus goes in the opposite direction to where she lives. That doesnt mean you cant enjoy shared interests together, but just do so as mother and daughter, not BFFs. He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? But sometimes, this relationship can be strained. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. And then it was like ok, you dont have to do that (not that I ever DID have to, I wanted to go, and then discovered it sucked). You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. One of my faves is when they all de-evolve into more primitive forms and Worf-monster hunts Picard around the ship. My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. painted_lady Same with the radio in the car I like country or musicals, he cant stand it, theres no way Id put that on. Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? This can cause a lot of tension in the family. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. Not talking on cell phones, thats where. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. I dont remember how old I was, but I distinctly remember the night they gave me that tape and told me what was on it. (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. You shouldnt belittle her hobbies because shes more cultured than you , lets_be_honest It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. Encourage her to have fun with him. But the problem here is not that the daughter dislikes her dads interests. bittergaymark My stepfather and my mother told me I was weird and that Id regret it because Id never be popular or normal, or get boys to like me. Yes, he makes fun of my sister and mother and i whenever we talk a lot about Girly things, like makeup and hair, which I find annoying and a little jerky; but I dont think hes failed at parenting because of it.
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